2025 was a year. It did not start out saying that it was going to be bad. It didn’t even force bad things to happen that I have endured. I forced those bad things to happen by ignorant choices, harmful actions, and irreparable consequences.
I sit here wondering how the version of myself, that I knew, somehow disappeared. When did I let her go, and why did I let her go so easily? I grieve for the life I had before all of my horrible mistakes (which honestly started before 2025), and my tangible fear is that I will not survive this, and never get a chance to be better. To find that person I used to be, and bring her back to life.
I’ve second, third, thousandth chances, and yet, it seems as though all I do is choose – time and time again – to not take advantage of the grace being given to me.
I’ve lost many people because of this.
I’m afraid I’ll lose the few I have left, that my ‘luck’ has run up, and those I have hurt are too hurt to ever think it will be any different.
So, here I am, taking stock. I can only move forward. I can only make the right decisions now. I can only hold myself accountable. If I want to have a prayer of fixing what I have broken, it has to start now.
I just really, really hope that it is not too late.
Bethany Writes 